Angel/Angelus (shanshu_angel) wrote in not_fading_away,

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Battered Xander.

The conversation with Giles was upsetting....and that was for me and I didn't even hear most of his words, except when he was yelling. It wasn't like Giles to yell at Buffy. She had earned more then that and didn't need him, any watcher or even the Council anymore. She was taking the news worse then I was, but was doing the chin-up thing that she was usually so good at, though.

I stood, and my head pounded, but at least, this time, I didn't fall. As much as I hated to admit it, though Faith had given me some of her blood, I need more blood and not something that was cold and picked up at a butcher's shop. I took a few steps as Buffy seemed to lose the remnants of the conversation, and came to me in an attempt to make sure that I wasn't going to fall.

It was sweet, and I liked the fact that she still cared about me and loved the fact that she was around me again, even under these circumstances, but I was a vampire, and had been one for two-hundred and fifty years and didn't want to be treated like a fragile doll or something that Dru would carry around with her. My impulse was to show her that i could walk on my own without support, but her proximity to me was amazing and her touch was indescribable. It set me off, made me remember times with Nina and think that she and I could make it this time, and make it all of the way, without worry of Angelus.

For a second, everything that had transpired, hit me, as she looked me in the eyes. I thought about Wesley dying at the hands of Veil, and before that, I thought of Fred's death at Illyria's hands, and before that, Cordy. I had loved Cordy, and had wanted her to come back, and that was over, but my love for Buffy was eternal and there was no regret or thoughts of betrayal concerning Cordy, when I touched Buffy. After all, everyone, or almost everyone that came into contact with me, everyone that I developed feelings for, would die, and I would go on...unless I was sent flying through more buildings at a high rate of speed.

I leaned on her. The thoughts of death were never more evident. I had never experienced a lot of it on a personal level when I had the ability to care about it, but in the past few months, I had lost Cordy, Fred, Wesley, Gunn and Illyria. The latter three deaths were associated with what I had created with the Circle of the Blackthorn, and the last four happened as a direct result of us taking over Wolfram and Hart, which led me, as I put my arm around her and found my lips going to her hair to think about how all of this was my fault. But did I have a choice? They were taking my loved ones and they were evil. I had to stop the Circle and cripple Wolfram and Hart.

The kiss lingered and without thinking, needing her as I did, I kissed her forehead. I then looked her in the eyes. "Buffy, I should never have tried to take down Wolfram and Hart from the inside, but they took Fred from me, they probably had something to do with Cordy dying and enough was enough. I had to do something. I had to. But now, there is all of this death and it is because of me. I didn't expect this answer from the senior partners. Deep down, I guess that I believed that we would win, that we would be able to stop them and I got Wesley and Gunn killed."

I wasn't much of a crier, but my eyes watered as I looked into her eyes again. "I'm so sorry for all of this. Giles isn't wrong to blame me, but I'm not evil. I...I just wished that I hadn't lost all of my friends in the process...Giles isn't wrong...This is all my fault."

I kissed her again, this time moving down to her lips, not giving her time to stop me, when I heard a screeching of tires out front and then saw the door pushed open. It was Xander and as he came in, he could barely stand. His shirt was ripped, his face was as battered as mine without the brain-damaging injuries that I had incurred and blood was prominent, and I could smell it and knew that I needed it. He limped towards us, and as he did, Buffy broke from our embrace, and left me wanting another kiss and left me wanting to fall down, my equilibrium still off. I don't know why she broke the embrace, but I suspected that she didn't want Xander to see us kissing or our closeness. Or maybe she was worried that he was about to fall? She held him up, as gingerly, I walked towards them, as she plopped him down on the circular couch.

[Buffy and Xander]
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